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How not to look like a fat frump when pregnant

You will notice, because you are smart, that I almost never promote anything on this blog. “Oh it’s too much like hard work,” I say to the occasional food person who gets in touch wondering if I’d like a free packet of spelt. “I’m so lazy,” I say. “I’ll never get round to it, sorry.”

But the fact is that I’m not interested in food freebies. (Sometimes I wonder whether I’m interested in food full stop.) If I want something for free I will say to my husband: “I want some rare albino truffle please,” and he will make a phonecall and it will turn up on my doorstep and I won’t even have to write about it.

But clothes? Cloooooothes?? Special nice clothes for preggy ladies that don’t make you look fat or pinch your bump or squish your boobs?

“Do you want some?” asked my friend Celia. “From ME+EM. We want you to be a sort of brand ambassador.”

“FUCK YEAH” I screamed. I didn’t even stop to say “Oh but why me? I’m so shit and fat and ugly. You don’t want me, you want someone more glamorous and interesting.” No, I did NOT say that, I just asked how much stuff I could have. Should I hire a parcel van to drive to the shop? Because I can do one on my Addison Lee app…

Then I immediately started to fret about it, as I always do. That the clothes wouldn’t fit or wouldn’t be nice and I would take a lot and then not wear them but have to be nice about them anyway. And then I would break our special bond, the one where I tell you the absolute truth about absolutely everything and don’t try and sell you anything, ever.

Don’t worry. I am not leading you a merry dance. This shit is for real. It’s amazing. There are dresses here that make you look, if you’re under, say, 20-24 weeks like you’re not pregnant. Especially from the front. And after that, they just expand like magic so even though you look like a Sherman tank, you feel comfy.

Pregnancy wear is mostly so so horrible. Massive floaty things with a big print. But this is all terrifically chic. And THE best long-length jersey vests and long-sleeved t-shirts EVAH.

THERE’S EVEN A SALE ON RIGHT NOW!!!

These are the things I got, which are particularly excellent and I recommend to you, pregnant or not. More original, I think, and better fabrics than Isabella Oliver or Seraphine – though God bless them both, eh? Where would we be without them.

On the ME+EM website they do a thing where they use skinny models for all the clothes, so you can’t really imagine how they would work on a massive pregnant arse and giant blobby tits, so this is my edit for anyone with a blubbery mess to cover up.

Just think of me like a very badass Gwyneth Paltrow, yeah?

Almost all of this comes in different colours and is available HERE. The sizing is very generous. I am 5’6” and weigh in at 10 stone 3.5 and fit into a small.

Crepe swing dress. MAKES YOU LOOK NOT PREGNANT. £104. You will wear it everywhere and it’s crepe so it won’t get bobbles.

Tuck neck swing dress. This is just so cool, such a nice shape. Great with long boots, ankle boots or little slippers. £115. I will be wearing this on Christmas Day.



Extra long layer T. The last word in long-length long-sleeved tops. Soft as a kitten. £42. There are also excellent vests at £19 each. Fucking BARGAIN.

V-neck box pleat dress. Very similar to one at Isabella Oliver but a nicer colour, a more slimming fit and less expensive at £104

An amazing thing. If you only get one thing when you are pregnant, get this. It is sort of drapey and concealing without being heavyweight so you don’t end up looking like a piece of soft furniture. It also has lovely long sleeves. I plan to wear mine until it has holes in it. Knit sleeve 3/4 jacket – £119

And a snood. Because I’ve decided that I hate scarves. Wide rib snood – £68
 

Happy shopping and have a great weekend.

 

Bread recipes

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Free & easy recipe video: Watch new how-to recipe videos with goodtoknow and Woman’s Weekly see all videos >

  1. Spelt flour makes deliciously light homemade bread, it rises well so make sure it does not over prove. You can make this recipe with white spelt flour too.

  2. These round and thin unleavened breads are a classic Indian staple made with wholemeal flour, oil and water. They are cooked in just a matter of minutes on a hot and dry flat pan or skillet and are delicious eaten warm brushed with melted butter or ghee or topped with a hot spicy pickle. If you h…

  3. It is not easy to create or bake the classic French stick, or loaf, at home mainly because the flour used is not available in the UK, but also because you need a good steam oven. This bread dough makes a lovely crispy long baguette that everyone will enjoy.

  4. Try this delicious banana loaf as a breakfast treat at the weekend or a comforting afternoon snack.

Your favourite bread recipes

You don’t need a bread machine to make delicious homemade bread. We’ve got lots of quick and easy bread recipes for you to try – from simple bread dough to classic bread recipes like pitta bread, soda bread and even banana bread. Try these popular bread recipes

 

Psst! See what you voted your top 10 favourite bread recipes on goodtoknow 

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  • This quick-to-prepare dish is absolutely perfect for a hearty brunch or lunch with friends. Tuck in!

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  • On Good Friday, make these traditional fruity hot cross buns for a traditional Easter treat. They’re even tastier ser…

  • These fruity hot cross buns would make a great traditional Easter breakfast on Good Friday – they’re best eaten warm …

  • Why not make your own pâté with fresh liver, pork and bacon? Flavoured with brandy, nutmeg, garlic and sage, this is tasty stuff.

  • For tasty, soft white homemade bread, have a go at Paul Hollywood’s crusty cob loaf recipe from episode 3 of The Great British …

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  • Looking for a tasty alternative to cheese on toast? Whip up this quick and easy croque monsieur as the perfect meal or snack fo…

  • Use up leftover bread in this tasty vegetarian recipe with melted cheese and sweet tomatoes, all for just under £4 for four.

  • Don’t buy ready-made bread sauce: it’s quick and easy to make your own at home – and it tastes so much better. Perfect for your…

  • A fabulous anytime treat! Eat it freshly baked with a cuppa – or toasted and buttered for breakfast

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Trick or treat? Which of these spooky recipes do you prefer? We’ve got 15 Halloween face-offs, click through each to vote. Halloween cupcakes or spider’s web whoopie pies?

Spider’s web whoopie pies

Or would you rather make an inventive whoopee pie?
Make the recipe now

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